They Live! (1988)

The General Story

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper, the star of They Live! passed away on July 31^st, 2015, exactly one week after our screening.  I grew up a wrestling fan, and Piper’s passing immediately brought me back to the WWF segment, “Piper’s Pit” – Rowdy’s claim to fame.  In it, he would welcome fellow wrestlers into a faux living room (the Pit) for a faux interview, in which Rowdy (one of wrestling’s legendary heels), would purposefully piss off his guests with an escalating crescendo of insults until both wrestlers came to blows.  It was pure magic.

They Live! marked Rowdy’s silver screen apex, and it was pure magic as well.  Piper plays an unnamed drifter who comes to LA, finds a job in construction, then uncovers an alien plot to take over the world through a pair of sunglasses.  These all-powerful sunglasses reveal subliminal messages wherever Piper looks: newspapers and billboards flash commands in big block letters to “OBEY”, “CONSUME”, “REPRODUCE” and “WATCH TV”.  What’s more, the glasses enable Piper to see just who ”they” are: unmasking society’s rich and powerful as skeleton-faced ghouls with bulbous reptilian eyes.  That these sunglasses look exactly like the kind of sunglasses Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business CANNOT be a coincidence, since Tom Cruise is obviously an alien.

Based on the short story “Eight O’Clock in the Morning” by Ray Nelson, They Live! is John Carpenter’s critique of Reaganomics – the aliens are the wealthy and the powerful – the haves who control the have-nots through capitalist propaganda and a rampant consumerist culture.  The only way for a working class stiff like Piper to fight back is to join some other construction workers in hard hats and flannel, form the Village People, and beat the living shit out of every last conservative yuppie from outer space.

The Major Players

John Carpenter, Director – the legendary filmmaker reportedly turned down offers to make Top Gun and Fatal Attraction in order to bring this to the big screen (because, you know, screw The Man!)

Rowdy Roddy Piper (Roderick George Toombs), Nada – our mullet wearing hero; no kilt here but plenty of flannel

Keith David, Frank – the construction worker sidekick; does NOT want to put on the sunglasses

Meg Foster, Holly Thompson – the classic 80’s beauty who’s feathered hair invites male companionship, while her icy blue eyes scream “run!”

George ‘Buck’ Flower, Drifter – over the course of the film, he transforms from homeless man to high society puppet of the alien overlords; amazing what a shower and nice duds will do!

The Bits to Cherish

–6 minute brawls

-getting thrown out of a 2 story window by an attractive woman

-the first time Piper puts on the sunglasses

-“Life’s a bitch, and she’s back in heat”

-a perfectly timed and executed middle finger salute

The Little Known Fact

There’s so many great one liners in They Live!, from “I’m giving you a choice: either put on these glasses, or start eating that trashcan” to “you know, you look like your head fell in the cheese dip back in 1957.”  The most famous line: “I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubble gum” is actually credited to Rowdy Roddy.  Piper apparently took the line from a list of ideas he had for wrestling interviews.

*Bonus tidbit: The communicators that the guards use are the P.K.E. meters from the original Ghostbusters.

The Beverage Accompaniment

Bazooka Bubblegum Cocktail – preparation includes soaking vodka in bubblegum for 24 hours… that’s dedication! (another fine tribute to Piper, who was obviously dedicated to his craft)

The Final Grade

They Live! has rightfully earned its place as a cult classic.  Sure, looks-wise it’s a little cheap and dated (what do you want for $3 million??) but thanks to our ever-expanding chasm between rich and poor today, it’s never been more relevant.  With it’s depiction of a world designed by aliens to keep us asleep and in the dark, this movie was the Matrix before The Matrix.  While its star, Rowdy Roddy was the Rock before the Rock (the former wrestler turned action star… minus the actual “star” part in Roddy’s case).  It’s definitely one of my favorite Carpenter films, while doubling as possibly my least favorite John Carpenter score.  To me, there’s nothing particularly creepy about a bluesy harmonica.  Now Meg Foster’s eyes… that’s another story.  Overall, They Live! just plain works.  B-movie fans laud its cheesiness, academics praise its still relevant social commentary, and ‘80s action fans can enjoy its kick-ass simplicity.  Roddy Piper puts on some sunglasses, chews a toothpick, and blows away some aliens… right after insulting them in the best way possible.  RIP Rowdy.

B

Sharky’s Machine (1981)

The General Story

Hearkening back to a time when cops had awesome names like Sharky, Smiley, Arch, and Papa, Sharky’s Machine is a classic hard-boiled thriller smothered in 70’s stank.  Burt Reynolds has chest hair and lots of it… Burt Reynolds has a mustache… and Burt Reynolds has a large gun.  Here he plays a respected narcotics officer named Tom Sharky – “some cops are good at opening cases, Sharky knows how to finish one!” – but a botched drug bust leads to an exploding car, which leads to a street chase, which leads to a bus driver getting shot, which gets Sharky demoted to Vice.  If this was the mid-80s and he ended up in Miami with Don Johnson, then score!  But sadly he’s in Atlanta, and his new boss is Charles Durning, who according to IMDB, has played the role of Santa Claus 5 times (possibly a record).  Luckily, it doesn’t take long for Sharky to establish himself on the new job.  In the process of investigating a high-class prostitution ring, he stumbles across a mob murder with government ties.  He and his team of downtrodden detectives (Sharky’s Machine!) must uncover the cover-up, nail the bad guys, and rid Atlanta of everything unholy and unclean (except Coca Cola of course).  If along the way Burt Reynolds happens to bed the high-priced call girl with the never-ending legs, would anyone be surprised?

The Major Players

Burt Reynolds, Tom Sharky – Rogue stud cop; fond of open shirts; also directed!

Rachel Ward, Dominoe – the high-priced call girl with the never-ending legs; unafraid to match a fur coat with a dress made merely of lint

Charles Durning, Lt. Friscoe – honestly, I still can’t get over the Santa Clause thing; his only more frequent role was probably “cop”… I wish somewhere along the line Durning had played the lead role in a movie called Santa Cop.

Vittorio Gassman, Victor Scorelli – gangster; also fond of open shirts

Henry Silva, Billy Score – go-to screen villain; bit of a coke fiend

Richard Libertini, Nosh – the sound recordist; hey, it’s Chevy Chase’s hilarious newspaper editor from Fletch!

The Bits to Cherish

– a single gunshot = an exploding car

– “Do you still think you’re a dancer?”  “I AM a dancer”

– Burt Reynolds singing My Funny Valentine

– Henry’s Silva’s high pitched scream before blowing someone away

– Arch’s extended plea to Sharky to get the bad guy… I mean to REALLY get him (4:50 mark of this clip)

The Little Known Fact

Sharky’s Machine is based on a book by William Diehl, his first.  Diehl was a 50 year old photographer and journalist when he decided to heed his calling as a writer.  In the movie, he also gets to heed his calling as a pimp in one of the vice squad scenes.

*Bonus tidbit:  The opening title sequence which features a strutting Burt Reynolds to the song “Street Life” (at 1:57 mark), was seemingly copied not once, but twice by Quentin Tarantino in Jackie Brown – first in the style and feel of that movie’s opening sequence (albeit to a different song – “Across 110^th Street”)… and then later with the exact same version of “Street Life” when Jackie is on her way to the “big deal” (just like Burt was in the beginning of Sharky’s Machine).

The Beverage Accompaniment

Black and Blue Shark – 2 parts Burt Reynolds and 3 parts chest hair.

The Final Grade

It’s all here – dames, drugs, chest hair, knife fights, dirty politicians, voyeurism, coked-out villains, voyeurism a second time, record breaking stunts, and more chest hair.  At the time of its release, Sharky’s Machine was lovingly referred to as “Dirty Harry Goes to Atlanta,” and for good reason: Burt plays a supercool cop (like Clint) who exists on the fringes of legality… and the Atlanta depicted in Sharky’s Machine (like Dirty Harry’s San Francisco) is a billowing hellfire of danger and sin.  But the movie itself is a bit of a slow burn.  And more than a little uncomfortable.  There are at least 2 instances of forced sex, a torture scene, and a WAY too long peeping tom sequence.  I mean, it feels like a good 30 minutes of the movie is dedicated to Burt Reynolds leering at Rachel Ward behind binoculars.  There’s even a creepy montage in which he joins her in a duet of My Funny Valentine from his perch across the alley, mimicking her daily routine well enough to make you think he’s been watching her for YEARS.  Thanks goodness Henry Silva was around to blast a fucking hole in a door and wake us all up.  Henry Silva’s the best.  So is the WTF last edit of the movie, which cuts from a man falling to his death out a hotel window, to Sharky pushing Dominoe on a tire swing, while surrounded by laughing children.

C

Bplus returns!

JUNE 22, 2015

Lady and Gentlemen, Bplusmovies.com has returned!  I apologize profusely for the long lay-off.  I wish I could blame it on something like the Middle East crisis, Busch Light, or my 2 children.  But really, it’s laziness.  Complete and utter laziness.  Well no more!  For the next 10 or so weeks, I will post a new B+ movie review every Friday.  That’s right, every Friday people… with the determined desperation of a single-seeking-single Want-Ad.  And then you will likely see new postings once a month, coinciding with our monthly gathering for B+ movie club.  Now, I cannot promise artistic perfection on this site.  Or even perfect spelleeng.  Only my personal reflections on the imperfect achievements seen in moderate-to-great B+ cinema.  So thanks for returning.  Or if you’re new here, welcome.  Please make yourself at home.

 

 

Gymkata! (1985)

The General Story

There’s a great ad from the 80s that pretends to be an origin story for the candy Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.  One Walkman-wearing surfer dude sucking on a sheaf of chocolate bumps into a Walkman-wearing sassypants snacking on a jar of peanut butter, the two ingredients mix, and… holy diabetes!  A new delicious snack is born!  All by serendipitous accident!  Well Gymkata! was no accident.  Somebody actually thought it would be cool to mix Gymnastics and Karate, and package it into an 80s-style action movie starring a 5 foot tall former Olympian.  Gymkata!  How cool is that?  Well, it might have been okay if they stopped at the poster, but then they had to write a movie, and Kurt Thomas had to act and well… let’s just say the result was more Circus Peanut than Peanut Butter Cup.  In a nutshell, Kurt Thomas plays Johnathan Cabot, a champion gymnast tapped by the US government to assist in their plans to build a Reagan-esque Star Wars site in the third world country of Parmistan (totally fictional).  The Khan of Parmistan tells the US that the only way to secure the rights to build their missile defense system on Parmistan soil is to win “The Game” – a survival of the fittest type contest with only one winner, who is then granted one wish (missile defense!)  To win, Cabot must overcome hostile terrain and endless hordes of ninja-clad farmers… armed only with feathered hair, swishy pants, and Gymkata!

The Major Players

Robert Clouse, Director – Better known for directing Enter the Dragon and for finishing the half-shot Game of Death five years after Bruce Lee passed away

Kurt Thomas, John Cabot – the hero; fabulously flexible, yet incredibly stilted

Tetchie Agbayani, Princess Rubali – the love interest; a former Playboy model

Buck Kartalian, Khan – the King of Parmistan; looks a little like Mel Brooks; fond of furry hats

Richard Norton, Zamir – the villain; looks a little like Kenny Loggins; was also the film’s stunt coordinator and fight choreographer, and for this he shall forever live in shame

The Bits to Cherish

-the uncomfortably long, in your face, handstand-up-a-staircase, Kurt Thomas crotch shot

-“it’s just a little anti-American sentiment running around-“ (cue arrow to heart)

– Thomas knocking over an opponent merely with the wind from his cartwheel

– fantastically mundane ninja jobs, like rope holding and flag pointing

-the pommel horse scene – cinematic gold

The Little Known Fact

Kurt Thomas was a 3-time World Champion Gymnast and a sure bet for Olympic gold in 1980, but missed out because the U.S. boycotted the games over the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.  So instead he won gold in the form of an Oscar for his role in Gymkata! (actually he won the Razzie for “Worst New Star”)

*Bonus tidbit:  looking back, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan served as the backdrop for 3 movie classics: Gymkata!, Rambo 3, and Spies Like Us

The Beverage Accompaniment

Pimm’s Cup – because Kurt Thomas is a grade-A pimp

The Final Grade

How many movies are ballsy enough to make up their own martial art, yet simultaneously rip off every martial art action film ever made?  Gymkata!  Look, here’s the main problem: even in the 80s, Kurt Thomas as a bad-ass was slightly less convincing than Madonna as a virgin.  Also, he’s terrible at acting and terrible at karate.  So the film is really 90% gymnastics.  And while gymnastics is pretty cool in the right environment (you know like a gym), it’s tremendously out of place here.  With ridiculous tumbling sequences, unnecessary cartwheels, and conveniently placed gymnastic props for Thomas to happen upon – like a pre-rosined bar across a village alleyway, and the aforementioned town square pommel horse – it’s all very silly.  In fact the unintentional comedy is sky high.  But Gymkata! demands that you take it seriously (why else would the title have an exclamation point?).  It’s kind of a shame really.  A movie that mixes Olympics skills, espionage, karate, an exotic locale, a beautiful princess, a game of death, a village of crazies, and countless ninjas – actually sounds pretty good on paper.  Yet Gymkata! somehow manages to drop the ball on all of the above… while simultaneously paying way too much attention to Kurt Thomas’s balls.

C+

Deep Blue Sea aka “Smart Sharks” (1999)

The General Story

What happens when you inject smart juice into the brains of giant killing machines at a remote sea lab in the middle of a storm?  Let’s find out!  As David St. Hubbins once said in Spinal Tap, “It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.”  Well, Smart Sharks manages to be both at the same time.  Let’s start with the premise: testing your Alzheimer’s medication on humongous sharks with razor sharp teeth is really, really stupid.  And for the record, increasing a shark’s intelligence five-fold does not mean they can suddenly do things they’ve never learned, like swim backwards, disable security cameras, or throw helicopters at people.  But the fact that they can do these things is pretty awesome.  There is genuine suspense here, some creative and unexpected deaths, and not one but two comic relief characters.  So check your cognitive function at the door – the sharks get smart and then they get hungry, and we’re all better for it.     

The Major Players

Renny Harlin, Director – a B+ movie icon; fresh off directing Cliffhanger

Saffron Burrows, Dr. Susan McCallister – a former model; trying to cure Alzheimer’s in the most dangerous way possible

Thomas Jane, Carter Blake – the resident shark wrangler (really?); tries to avoid complete sentences and squints a lot; obviously the hero.

Michael Rapaport, playing Michael Rapaport – comic relief character #1; possibly an engineer.

Samuel L. Jackson, Russell Franklin – the wealthy industrialist funding the project; likes to give speeches.

Stellan Skarsgard, Scientist – smokes a lot, has some truly awful lines; no idea how they got him to sign up for this.

LL Cool J, Dudley – comic relief character #2; the wise-cracking Bible-quoting cook; has a parrot.

Aida Turturro, Brenda Kerns – it’s Janice from the Sopranos!  Dresses badly, but knows how to party.

The Bits to Cherish

-Harlin’s shameless but inventive way to get Saffron Burrows to undress

-“Somebody please tell me what that is…” (why, it’s a shark swimming at you with a gurney in its mouth carrying a man with a chewed off arm… duh)

-The amount of times the characters say the word “research” – as if the quantity of mentions will somehow convey the depth of science on display (note: if you drink every time you hear it, you will be drunk)

-Samuel L’s speech

-Michael Rapaport’s freak-out – one of his best

The Little Known Fact

The license plate pulled from the shark’s teeth is the same license plate found in the tiger shark’s stomach in Jaws.
*Bonus tidbit:  Actor LL Cool J also did the theme song for this movie which plays over the credits.  It is called Deepest Bluest, and features lines like: “struggling to float with hemorrhages in your throat… Getting the lap dance while I smash through your boat.”  Needless to say, it is glorious.

The Beverage Accompaniment

The Shark Bite – 1½ oz rum, 1½ sweet and sour mix, ½ oz blue Curacao, 3 drops grenadine

The Final Grade

Here’s to Renny Harlin.  He’s the ultimate B-movie director who figured out a way to procure A-level budgets and actors.  He’s a goddamn genius.  Of course he devised a way to get his leading lady to undress in the most preposterous way possible; of course he got Stellan Skarsgard and Samuel Jackson to sign on for minor roles; and of course he figured out a way to have a shark throw a helicopter (they’re super intelligent, aren’t they?)  Renny Harlin is a hero, and Smart Sharks is a triumph.  A movie that drowns you in dumb, while at the same time lifting you to surface like an underwater fart.  Just hold your breath and enjoy the explosions.  This is the deepest, bluest, bestest shark movie since Jaws.  There I said it.

B+

Capricorn One (1977)

The General Story

A planned mission to Mars is threatened at the last minute when it is discovered that the spacecraft has faulty life support systems.  Rather than scuttle the public launch, which would set the space program back years, NASA executive Dr. Kelloway decides to send the thing into space anyway, minus the astronauts.  Instead, the astronauts are whisked to a nearby desert air force base where they are forced to fake the entire mission on a hastily assembled soundstage.  Then, to assure that the truth never comes out, Dr. Kelloway (Dr. Evil really), decides to wipe out the astronauts.  Luckily, our 3 heroes figure out what’s up and escape.  But the movie doesn’t end there.  The trio must find a way to survive in the desert wilderness, get back to civilization, and ultimately expose the truth!!  Yes, this is 70’s paranoia cinema at its best, where the largest threat comes from our own government.  A bizarro world where Sam Waterson was once young and OJ Simpson was once one of the good guys.  Obviously, this movie was inspired by conspiracy theories being floated at the time that the US faked the Moon landing.  But if that’s the case, then why did Neil Armstrong get to be a hero, and OJ Simpson get a death sentence?  Because the government is bad, that’s why!

The Major Players

Peter Hyams, Director – a cosmic force in his own right; also directed The Star Chamber, Outland, and Time Cop.

Hal Holbrook, Dr. James Kelloway – the evil NASA bigwig who signs the astronauts’ death warrants; suitably menacing.

James Brolin, Sam Waterson, OJ Simpson, Astronauts – This marked OJ’s last year as a Buffalo Bill, and first as an astronaut.  Was never heard from again.

Elliot Gould, Robert Caulfield – the TV reporter who discovers the cover up, and risks his life to expose it.

Brenda Vaccaro – the B-movie queen and ever hopeful wife of Astronaut Brolin; bit of a heavy breather.

Telly Savalas, Albain – the greedy wise-cracking pilot and ultimate savior; a bald Han Solo if you will.

The Bits to Cherish

Holbrook’s angry monologue about American indifference toward the space race – apathetic fools!

Telly Savalas calling everyone he meets a pervert

“Here we are millions of miles from earth, and we can still send out for pizza”

Are those 2 giant vultures, or just creepy black helicopters carrying NASA assassins?  Wait, NASA has assassins?

The ridiculous 70’s, artsy-fartsy, slow motion stutter-shot ending

The Little Known Fact

Director Peter Hyams had a built-in passion for the space program, having covered it during his days as a reporter.  Although he hails from New York, most of his movies took place in either Chicago or outer space.
*Bonus tidbit:  Barbara Streisand’s two husbands, Elliott Gould and James Brolin, both star in this movie.

The Beverage Accompaniment

A Screwdriver – vodka prepared with either of the following mixers:

Option #1 – Tang! – the favorite orange-flavored breakfast drink of astronauts everywhere

Option #2 – Orange Juice – without which no OJ movie would be complete

The Final Grade

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy?  Even if you don’t subscribe to the theory that the US faked the 1969 Moon landing, there’s just enough plausibility here to draw you in, especially if you lived in a decade where the government earned our mistrust thanks to Watergate.  Overall, I would say Capricorn One is a pretty great premise undermined by a few plot holes, some paper thin characters (hello OJ!) and a lot of talking.  Which makes this supposedly taut thriller slightly short on the “taut” part of the equation.  But what do you expect for $5 million?  After all, they could only afford 2 helicopters.  It’s what Peter Hyams did with those 2 helicopters that counts.  The reveal at the top of the cliff is badass, and so is the climactic aerial battle with the biplane.  A scene which just goes to show… ain’t no one tellin’ Telly his business in a biplane.  Bald dude can swirl.

C-

Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)

The General Story

From the moment the New Line Cinema logo is riddled with bullets, you pretty much know what’s in store:   Guns, people shooting guns, and people getting shot.  This cartoonish homage to John Woo films includes death by carrot, the birth of a child amidst a ballet of bullets, and Clive Owen crashing through a window with a baby tucked under his arm as if it were a football… all in the first 5 minutes.  Owen plays the mysterious and refreshingly self-aware Mr. Smith “I’m a British nanny and I’m dangerous.”  After violently inheriting the newborn, Mr. Smith joins forces with a lactating hooker to protect said baby from the villainous Mr. Hertz and his band of thugs, and also from various nefarious government forces, all of whom can’t shoot ‘em up nearly as well as Clive Owen.  This is due in part to his obvious eyesight advantage granted by a diet rich in carrots, and also due to the fact that he’s Clive fucking Owen.

The Major Players

Michael Davis, Director – Previously made 2 romantic comedies and a movie about road kill that wants to kill you.

Clive Owen, Mr. Smith – an angry fellow who hates guys with ponytails and drivers who don’t use their turn signal; grows his own carrots.

Paul Giamatti, Mr. Hertz – a former forensic behavior consultant who generally behaves badly, and is an absurdly bad shot.

Donna Quintano, Monica Belluci – the aforementioned lactating hooker.  Her initials are DQ… Dairy Queen… get it?

Stephen McHattie, Hammerson – mildly sadistic gun entrepreneur who possibly never went to business school.

The Bits to Cherish

The creative and violent uses of everyone’s favorite orange vegetable

Clive Owen severing an umbilical cord with a gun shot

Owen spanking a Mom for spanking her child

Owen dispensing with bad guys while simultaneously sexing up Monica Belluci, a scene shamelessly copied by the lesser Drive Angry four years later.

The Little Known Fact

To help sell his idea to studios, writer/director Michael Davis created a 17 minute animated short of this film with the title card: “this is John Woo’s wet dream.”

The Beverage Accompaniment

The Blood Clot – 1 shot Southern Comfort peach liqueur, ½ shot grenadine, 7-Up.  Drop shot of Southern Comfort into lowball glass of grenadine and 7-Up.  Slam it.

The Final Grade

Shoot ‘Em Up is so far over-the-top, it’s hard not to like.  However, there are some negatives.  The dialogue is pretty terrible.  Even if the one-liners and bad jokes are on purpose, there’s little actual humor in the execution.  And you pretty much can’t go 10 minutes without a gun-oriented action set-piece set to heavy metal music, which gets a little repetitive.  Frankly, Clive Owen as Smith is the best thing about this film.  Here, he embraces the ridiculous with aplomb, and manages to look cool doing it.  I love me some Daniel Craig, but how did Owen not get to be James Bond?  Well, kudos to him for taking it out on about 100 bad guys in this film with bullets, carrots, and angry stares.  For his part, Paul Giamatti embarks on a level of scene-chewing menace I haven’t seen since Alan Rickman in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.  Overall, this is B+ cinema in its purest form.  A-list actors delivering B-grade material with the dials turned up to 11.  It’s action-porn at its finest.  In Michael Davis’s own words, a “Cirque Du Soleil of death.”  You know, minus the Asian body pretzels and weird clowns.

B+

Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)

The General Story

It’s about a Hobo.  With a shotgun.  Never has a film so accurately resembled its title since Nuns on the Run.  A homeless man pulls into a new city and finds himself trapped in an urban cesspool (really Nova Scotia), where crime is rampant and the city’s criminal overlord and his 2 sons commit heinous acts without punishment.  All the Hobo really wants is a lawnmower, but he settles for a shotgun instead when the criminal element and corrupt cops drag him into a vigilante rampage.  Based on a book by Jane Austen.    

The Major Players

Jason Eisener, Director – Canadian upstart; previously made a short film called Treevenge about killer Christmas trees.

Rutger Hauer, Hobo – the do-everything Dane at his grizzled, gnarled best

Molly Dunsworth, Abby – the hooker with a heart of gold; adopted by our hero Hobo

Brian Downey, Drake – the cartoonish crime boss who rules the city

Gregory Smith, Slick – sadistic Drake son #1; has a thing for hacksaws

Nick Bateman, Ivan – sadistic Drake son #2; has a thing for sharp hockey skates

The Bits to Cherish

A hooker dancing in a geyser of blood

Naked hookers smashing a human piñata

Rutger Hauer’s monologue in the newborn baby ward

A Santa-clad pedophile meets a shotgun

A human head meets 2 bumper cars

 

The Little Known Fact

Similar to 2010’s Machete, this movie was born from a fake trailer commissioned by Grindhouse directors Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez.

*Bonus tidbit: Slick and Ivan drive a Bricklin, a Canadian-made car from the 70s.

The Beverage Accompaniment

2 hobo-themed drinks for this one:

The Hobo – Canadian Club whiskey, Lillet, Cherry whiskey

The Hobo Cocktail – 24oz can of beer served in brown paper bag

The Final Grade

Hobo with a Shotgun is an over-the-top bloody delight.  A Grindhouse trailer developed and expanded into its own kinetic grindhouse film.  The body count is high.  The violence is gleeful.  And the gore is splatter-iffic.  Explosions, deaths, entrails, burnings, decapitations, hangings, bear sweatshirts… it’s all here.  And Rutger Hauer takes it to another level.  It’s simply his finest Hau-er (sorry).  Personally, I will never understand why his career didn’t explode more in the 80’s, like a human head crushed by a falling crane.  After his American debut in Nighthawks opposite Sylvester Stallone (1981), he had memorable roles in Blade Runner, Ladyhawke, and The Hitcher, before disappearing into television and B-movie hell.  Perhaps if he had gotten the lead role in RoboCop instead of Peter Weller… who knows.  It’s simply unacceptable that no one treated him more like the Dutch Thespian God that he is.  If I were him, I would pick up a shotgun and blow away every living thing in that Nova Scotia shit-hole known as Hope City.  Did I mention I like Rutger Hauer?

C+

On Deadly Ground (1994)

The General Story

A bloated and self-important action vehicle starring everyone’s favorite bloated self-indulgent action star!  In this film, a corrupt oil company executive will stop at nothing to open a new refinery in Alaska, including screwing the natives out of their land and destroying the environment.  Luckily, a disgruntled former employee with mad CIA skills comes to the rescue.  Steven Seagal stars, co-produces, and directs this widely panned Dances with Wolves meets Billy Jack environmental action-adventure film… a film that failed to bring back its $50 million budget during its theatrical run.  On the plus side, it’s a movie that has everything this nation holds dear – oil, explosions, hard hats, Eskimo persecution, random nudity, and jackets with tassels.  It even has a vision quest sequence that needs to be seen to be believed.  In it, Seagal wrestles a bear, then must choose between an elderly Eskimo grandmother and a nude Eskimo seductress (what!?).  Naturally, he chooses the grandmother (wait, what!?) who apparently has handpicked him to save her, Mother Earth, from those who would pollute the world.  Seagal hears and understands.  It’s time to kick some serious ass.    

The Major Players

Steven Seagal, Forrest Taft – specialist in dealing with oil-drilling related fires; also a master of Aikido, guns, and ponytails.

Michael Caine, Michael Jennings – evil CEO of Aegis Oil; he’ll be damned if the Eskimos get their land back.  So ruthlessly anti-environment, he dyed his hair the color of oil.

John C. McGinley, McGruder – Aegis henchman #1; his name is likely the inspiration for SNL’s MacGyver parody MacGruber.  Later starred in the hit comedy Scrubs as Dr. Cox.

Sven-Ole Thorsen, Otto – Aegis henchman #2; also played the evil henchman Thorgrim opposite Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian.

Joan Chen, Malu – the daughter of Silook, the chief of her tribe; one of the few movies in which Chen fails to disrobe.

Lee Ermey, Stone – Head of a mercenary team (from New Orleans!?), called in to “remove” Taft; already in the self-parody portion of his career without really knowing it.

Billy Bob Thornton, Homer Carlton – part of Stone’s mercenary team; one of Thornton’s earliest roles and also his favorite (just kidding about that last part).

The Bits to Cherish

Our hero of the environment is introduced to the viewer in… alligator boots

The bar fight scene, aka the “testicular torture scene”

“I’m a mouse hiding from the hawks in the house of a raven”

Seagal dog-sledding in one scene, then riding the tribe’s hidden snowmobile in the next

“Just gonna reach out and touch somebody here…” (BOOM!)

The Little Known Fact

On Deadly Ground was nominated for 6 Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Seagal), Worst Actress (Chen), and Worst Screenplay.  Seagal “won” for Worst Actor.

*Bonus tidbit: After pummeling the bully in the bar, Seagal asks “what does it take to change the essence of a man?”  That question was answered in a Brut aftershave commercial featuring Kelly LeBrock… Seagal’s wife at the time.

The Beverage Accompaniment

The Kodiak Dog Sled – Bailey’s Irish Cream, Crown Royal, Kahlua… delicious.

The Final Grade

On Deadly Ground is, at best, an egotistical vanity project with some decent fights, and at worst, a total mess (hint, it’s B. the elderly grandmother!)  This is what happens when you give a severely limited actor at the peak of his earning power (right after Under Siege) free license to star in and first-time direct his own big-budgeted pet project.  Even the talented Sir Michael Caine is dragged into the worst performance of his career (yes, worse than Jaws IV or The Swarm).  Seagal’s script and direction are that bad.  To wit, the final scene at the Alaskan State Capitol where Seagal gives a patronizing lecture on pollution that runs nearly 4 minutes (originally 11!).  Look, I really liked Seagal’s first few movies (Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death).  The man can actually fight, and Aikido looks really cool on screen.  Seagal also pulled off the squinty-eyed, whisper-voiced action hero well enough.  But after Under Siege, his shtick got old, the movies got worse, and his waist line expanded past the point of no return.  He went from a Johnny Cash clad-in-black tough guy to a tassle-wearing Navajo Zen-meister.  It was a tough transition for all of us.  But his off-screen foray into music?  Priceless.

D+

Star Trek IV (1986)

The General Story

Spock… whales… need I say more?  Okay, I will!  To save Earth from an alien probe, Kirk and crew must go back in time to retrieve the only beings who can communicate with it… humpback whales.  On the way, Kirk charms a local, Spock charms a whale, and the crew as a whole discovers colorful metaphors.  This chapter in the series was affectionately referred to as “the Star Trek movie for people who don’t like Star Trek.”  Probably because it’s more of a fish out of water 80’s movie, like Splash.  It doesn’t have a traditional bad guy and there are no space fights.  But it does have whales, lots of ‘em.  And I’m not just talking about the humpbacks.  Shatner’s girdle is working overtime in this one, and Scotty and Uhura look positively stretched compared to earlier versions of themselves.  I remember watching this movie and thinking… wow these people got old!  And also, really, really fat.  But they still deliver the goods.      

The Major Players

William Shatner, James T. Kirk – at his cheesy best here; still rocking the Brillo-pad toupee, but at least it looks less ridiculous than in previous installments.

Leonard Nimoy, Spock – also directed; the emotionless one smiles once by accident during the end-of-film romp in the water.

DeForest Kelley, Dr. McCoy – grouchy as ever; only Trekker who dresses sensibly for the 80s.

James Doohan, Scotty – funny, fat, Scottish: “Admiral, there be whales here!”

George Takei, Sulu – reveals he was born in San Francisco (where most of movie takes place); somehow knows how to fly a helicopter.

Walter Koenig, Chekov – Whose idea was it to send the Russian onto a US nuclear aircraft carrier?

Nichelle Nichols, Uhura – Used to be pretty hot back in the day… not so much here.

Catherine Hicks, Dr. Gillian Taylor – the 80’s whale enthusiast/scientist, seduced by Kirk’s otherworldly charms; not fond of bras.

The Bits to Cherish

Sulu (the openly gay George Takei) positively lighting up at first sight of San Francisco

Kirk telling off a cabbie (“double dumb ass on you!”)

“Noo-clee-arr weh-suhls”

Spock neck pinching a loud punk on the bus

Scotty talking to the computer mouse

The Little Known Fact

Eddie Murphy was set to play the scientist role that eventually went to Catherine Hicks.  No, not as Kirk’s love interest but as a professor concerned with UFO’s who spots the de-cloaking Klingon ship at the Super Bowl.  Apparently, everyone at the game is convinced the ship is part of the half-time performance while Murphy’s character believes it is real.  Sadly, Murphy ended up taking the lead in The Golden Child instead, so the script was altered to allow Kirk to score some time-travel booty.

*Bonus tidbit: This film features the only instance in which Kirk says “Scotty, Beam me up.”

The Beverage Accompaniment

2 drinks for this one:

Romulan Ale – basically blue colored hydrochloric acid

Captain Kirk’s Alien Sex On The Beach – decent, but James Tiberius would never drink this foofy crap

The Final Grade

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is good popcorn entertainment, enhanced by the fact that it’s rather dated.  The environmental posturing is a bit much, and the time-travel sequence is silly (just slingshot the Sun!), but overall, this is a fun ride.  Some critics had issues with the creators playing fast and loose with a serious franchise, but after the death of Kirk’s son and the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek III, what better way to lighten the mood than a silly romp through the 80’s?  I mean, who wouldn’t enjoy Spock in his terrycloth Vulcan bathrobe and matching headband, walking the streets of San Francisco and mind-melding with whales?  Besides, the groan-worthy plot (save the whales and save the future!) is not nearly as bad as the mindless talking-to-God drivel they came up with for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.  In fact, I think all Star Trek V has going for it is this:

B-