Lady and Gentlemen, Bplusmovies.com has returned! I apologize profusely for the long lay-off. I wish I could blame it on something like the Middle East crisis, Busch Light, or my 2 children. But really, it’s laziness. Complete and utter laziness. Well no more! For the next 10 or so weeks, I will post a new B+ movie review every Friday. That’s right, every Friday people… with the determined desperation of a single-seeking-single Want-Ad. And then you will likely see new postings once a month, coinciding with our monthly gathering for B+ movie club. Now, I cannot promise artistic perfection on this site. Or even perfect spelleeng. Only my personal reflections on the imperfect achievements seen in moderate-to-great B+ cinema. So thanks for returning. Or if you’re new here, welcome. Please make yourself at home.
There’s a great ad from the 80s that pretends to be an origin story for the candy Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. One Walkman-wearing surfer dude sucking on a sheaf of chocolate bumps into a Walkman-wearing sassypants snacking on a jar of peanut butter, the two ingredients mix, and… holy diabetes! A new delicious snack is born! All by serendipitous accident! Well Gymkata! was no accident. Somebody actually thought it would be cool to mix Gymnastics and Karate, and package it into an 80s-style action movie starring a 5 foot tall former Olympian. Gymkata! How cool is that? Well, it might have been okay if they stopped at the poster, but then they had to write a movie, and Kurt Thomas had to act and well… let’s just say the result was more Circus Peanut than Peanut Butter Cup. In a nutshell, Kurt Thomas plays Johnathan Cabot, a champion gymnast tapped by the US government to assist in their plans to build a Reagan-esque Star Wars site in the third world country of Parmistan (totally fictional). The Khan of Parmistan tells the US that the only way to secure the rights to build their missile defense system on Parmistan soil is to win “The Game” – a survival of the fittest type contest with only one winner, who is then granted one wish (missile defense!) To win, Cabot must overcome hostile terrain and endless hordes of ninja-clad farmers… armed only with feathered hair, swishy pants, and Gymkata!
The Major Players
Robert Clouse, Director – Better known for directing Enter the Dragon and for finishing the half-shot Game of Death five years after Bruce Lee passed away
Kurt Thomas, John Cabot – the hero; fabulously flexible, yet incredibly stilted
Tetchie Agbayani, Princess Rubali – the love interest; a former Playboy model
Buck Kartalian, Khan – the King of Parmistan; looks a little like Mel Brooks; fond of furry hats
Richard Norton, Zamir – the villain; looks a little like Kenny Loggins; was also the film’s stunt coordinator and fight choreographer, and for this he shall forever live in shame
-“it’s just a little anti-American sentiment running around-“ (cue arrow to heart)
– Thomas knocking over an opponent merely with the wind from his cartwheel
– fantastically mundane ninja jobs, like rope holding and flag pointing
-the pommel horse scene – cinematic gold
The Little Known Fact
Kurt Thomas was a 3-time World Champion Gymnast and a sure bet for Olympic gold in 1980, but missed out because the U.S. boycotted the games over the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. So instead he won gold in the form of an Oscar for his role in Gymkata! (actually he won the Razzie for “Worst New Star”)
*Bonus tidbit: looking back, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan served as the backdrop for 3 movie classics: Gymkata!, Rambo 3, and Spies Like Us
The Beverage Accompaniment
Pimm’s Cup – because Kurt Thomas is a grade-A pimp
The Final Grade
How many movies are ballsy enough to make up their own martial art, yet simultaneously rip off every martial art action film ever made? Gymkata! Look, here’s the main problem: even in the 80s, Kurt Thomas as a bad-ass was slightly less convincing than Madonna as a virgin. Also, he’s terrible at acting and terrible at karate. So the film is really 90% gymnastics. And while gymnastics is pretty cool in the right environment (you know like a gym), it’s tremendously out of place here. With ridiculous tumbling sequences, unnecessary cartwheels, and conveniently placed gymnastic props for Thomas to happen upon – like a pre-rosined bar across a village alleyway, and the aforementioned town square pommel horse – it’s all very silly. In fact the unintentional comedy is sky high. But Gymkata! demands that you take it seriously (why else would the title have an exclamation point?). It’s kind of a shame really. A movie that mixes Olympics skills, espionage, karate, an exotic locale, a beautiful princess, a game of death, a village of crazies, and countless ninjas – actually sounds pretty good on paper. Yet Gymkata! somehow manages to drop the ball on all of the above… while simultaneously paying way too much attention to Kurt Thomas’s balls.
B+ MOVIES 